i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just pee around me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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