peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
