I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
