I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
