The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
