Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
