The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
