he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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