I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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