last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
