u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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