Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just cut my nipple shaving
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
