I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
