I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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