he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
