ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
