This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
