I have demons in me.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
