Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Never underestimate the power of titties
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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