Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Send help, water and tortillas.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
