Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
