we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
