um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
