So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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