if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
