I just made out with a guy for $7.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
