I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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