you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
