How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
