I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
