This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
As shirtless as possible
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
