she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
