Don't make out with my wife yet
I want to walk on stilts...naked
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
