I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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