next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
