HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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