Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
