i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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