A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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