I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
There r osticjed everywhere
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
