i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
