I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
