and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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