You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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