ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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