He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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