God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
