I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
