Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
