Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
