I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
